Ancestral Palace (South Wing)

Yeosin returned to her room, and readied herself for sleep. Picking up her comb, she brushed her long hair while absentmindedly humming to herself. This was certainly not what she expected to happen. Honda Kiku was staying in the next room. The same Honda Kiku she often glared at out of her palace window. The Honda Kiku she hated and resented for all these years.

"Retrospectively, he has been handling the situations rather well, don't you think, Silbeo?" Yeosin asked.

The wolf just snorted and jumped onto the bed. Yeosin rolled her eyes and followed, climbing in and snuggling next to Silbeo. Her arms curled around his neck, fingers laced in his fur.

"I wonder if I will sleep well tonight, Silbeo," she muttered softly, quickly drifting off after such a long day.

Of course, she should have known better than to even hope that everything would magically fix itself so soon. Hours later, Yeosin whimpered in her sleep. The same nightmare had begun again. She tossed and turned, brow furrowed with worry. But the nightmare began to change. Satsuei, too, stood among the flames.

Kiku respectfully partook of what was prepared for him. He couldn't have ask for better. He wouldn't have asked for this. He would never imagined that coming here would end up like this. It was...far better than anything he could have thought. Granted, this was after something worse than what he had imagined.

He never before had realized how bad of a state she was in. Or perhaps he had just kept himself from realizing.

Regardless, in all his thoughts, he never would have even considered that he would lose himself like that. It was frightening. Although he did believe he had now come out the stronger for it.

But what about Yeosin? She seemed much better, but would it stick? He hoped so. He hoped she could get on the road to recovery.

Kiku sighed and got himself ready for bed. When he slept, he had dreams that he wouldn't remember when he woke.

Only a vague sense of unpleasantness and a cold sweat gave him any clue.

He sat up and put his head in his hands, the moonlight from the window replaced by that of the rising sun.

Yeosin bolted up from her sleep, eyes wide and thoughts a mess. She wasn't sure what just happened. Her normal nightmare had changed somehow, but she couldn't quite remember how. All she knew is that it scared her. Silbeo, her beloved wolf, had stayed faithfully by her side the entire night. Stroking his fur, she smiled weakly.

"I guess we should take a bath and prepare for the day, yes?" she slowly got out of bed and headed to the bathroom adjoining her room.

It felt good to sink into the lukewarm water. It was summer, so she hated to use hot water when bathing. What was the point of bathing if you only broke out into a sweat doing so? Sliding down in the tub, she sighed. What would she do today? If they continued in this way, they would quickly become depressed. Maybe something fun? Huffing in irritation, she began to scrub at her hair, washing the long strands thoroughly while trying to come up with an idea Kiku wouldn't object to.

Hearing a soft whine next to her, Yeosin smiled.

"You want me to wash you too?" she grinned before setting to work washing Silbeo's fur. She laughed as he shook off the excess bubbles, spraying them everywhere. At least he stood still when she rinsed him off. Rolling her eyes, she dried the both of them off and changed into a fresh hanbok.

"Come along, Silbeo. Let's go see if Kiku is awake yet. Perhaps we can eat outside today..." Yeosin trailed off on her way to the next room.

---

I am SO SORRY. I thought I already responded to your post last week. OTL. Fail.

Kiku sat up fully and pulled his head up at last. What should he do now that he was awake? He remembered the promise of an attendant drawing a bath. He didn't know where. He wondered if someone would check in on him to see if he was awake or if he should try to find out. Then again, nightclothes weren't the best to present oneself in. He could get dressed...but he only had his clothes from yesterday.

He really had been incredibly impulsive in coming here. But then, he never wouldn't imagined he'd be staying the night even if he had planned this visit.

He turned himself to look at the view out the window and waited for awhile. He was content enough for now, if no one came in some time, he would figure out what he should do.

So he sat, head facing towards the window, morning sun reflecting on his face, waiting.

---

It's alright. It sort of worked out, because I was really busy anyway.

Yeosin made her way next door, knocking before she entered.

"Honda-nim, are you awake?" she asked, looking around the room.

Her eyes landed on Kiku, sitting calmly in a morning sunbeam. She wasn't entirely sure what to do. He seemed very...focused on something. Was it okay to disturb him? Taking a better look, she noticed that he was still only dressed in his night clothes, and it looked as though he hadn't bathed yet.

"Honda-nim! Are you awake?" she asked, standing behind him. "I will draw a bath for you if you will be so kind as to wait another moment. There are clothes you can wear in the dresser. Once you are done bathing, we can eat. It is nice outside, so we will gather in the courtyard. An attendant will lead you there."

Yeosin had already moved into the smaller adjoining room and began to prepare Kiku's bath. She grabbed two fluffy towels and placed them off to the side. Silbeo sat and watched her work, occasionally eying the Japanese boy lazing in the sun.

When Yeosin was finished, she bid Kiku goodbye. A brief while later, she had arranged for their breakfast to be served in the courtyard. Thinking it too early for entertainment, she waved off the court dancers and musicians. They had things to talk about, after all. But Yeosin wasn't entirely sure what.

It seemed like the worst part was out. So what now? It seemed very silly to sit and talk about feelings at this point. What, then, was there left to talk about? She supposed they could always talk about the present. Or her sons. She chuckled. She imagined that conversation would only lead to irritation for the boy. Her wandering feet eventually led her to the courtyard, so she sat down and waited. Nambu came and waited patiently by her side.

"I am still unhappy with you, Yeosin-nim. You should not have wandered into that place," he spat.

"Now, now. It may have been dangerous, but I believe it was necessary," Yeosin tried to calm her head advisor.

"Is that so?" Nambu's eye twitched.

"Anyway, would you be so kind as to fetch Kiku from his room next to mine?" Yesoin said, more of an order than a request.

"He spent the night?!" Nambu was clearly outraged, already drawing his sword as if to skewer the Japanese boy on sight.

"Yes. We have things to discuss, now will you put away your sword?" Yeosin frowned.

Nambu just looked at his Empress with even greater irritation than before. Clearly, she had not made things better for herself. Huffing, the man stormed off into the palace maze, muttering under his breath.

---

Super sorry for the lateness! OTL. I feel bad because I've been super slow about replying. ;_; Gomen!

Kiku wasn't expected Yeosin to draw the bath herself, and felt a pang of guilt when she was the one to do so. He was being treated so kindly now, that it almost hurt in a different way.

The bath was nice, but the Japanese man couldn't say he was entirely relaxed. Although, that was completely the fault of his state of mind and thoughts, not his current physical position.

He finished, dried off and got dressed. He wondered what they would do today. He wasn't sure what would be appropriate to discuss. As he wondered, the man entered to fetch him. Kiku bowed politely and watched the man's expression, which appeared to be doing it's best to be neutral, but there was something behind that, and Kiku could tell he wasn't pleased.

It seemed Yeosin had arranged for a meal in the courtyard. Kiku remained polite with the man, but didn't go out of his way to speak with him.

When they arrived to meet Yeosin, Kiku bowed again and thanked him.

---

This is pretty terrible, but I'm trying to just get some replies out after I had so long with nothing, so hopefully it will get better again once I'm back at it more.

Yeosin welcomed Kiku and they proceeded to eat their breakfast. Nambu stood by, glaring daggers at the boy until Yeosin thwacked him in the shin. Honestly, things were already awkward enough without the advisor looming over them like an angry raincloud. Pouring the boy some tea, she cleared her throat, trying to think of a good topic to talk about.

"Well, I suppose I do not really know what else to say to you. Maybe you have questions? Or maybe it is best to just leave the past be for now. I do not know," Yeosin sipped her own tea.

They could dig up the past as much as they wanted, but it was quite clear that would be a painfully long and arduous task. Somewhat grudgingly, she told herself that he too, seemed to have been fighting with another self. There were a few things she was curious about, however.

"Did...did you ever wake up wondering which one of you was the one truly living at that moment? Do you ever...feel sorry for what you did?" Yeosin asked quietly.

For the past few decades, all she could remember were nightmares and moments of fragile coherence, roughly tossed between the raging anarchist and the dutiful empress. Of course, she never really knew what was happening when Satsuei took over. After all, Satsuei was there to protect her from reality. But sometimes, there would be a brief moment of understanding before it was washed away in the madness that had consumed her mind for so long.

Looking at Kiku, though, she already knew the answer to her second question. Never once did Kiku apologize to her or her son. Formally, he had expressed...what? Sorrow? Regret? Shame? He had told the world he was sorry for the loss of life and the atrocities that the war wreaked on Asia. But never once did he apologize to her as an individual, as a nation. As far as she knew, Yao was experiencing much the same problem.

"Aren't you ashamed?" Will you even claim responsibility for your actions?

Kiku almost choked on his tea at the question asked. He had just moments ago been happy enough that Yeosin had gotten the man to stop glaring at him so. The feeling in the pit of his stomach now was worse than what any outwardly expressed hatred of him could cause.

The truth was, yes, privately, he was so shamed that sometimes he hated himself. It was a horrible feeling to have, and it was usually much easier to lock those thoughts away than to deal with them. It interfered with the completely opposite sense of pride for being himself that he also possessed, but would never admit to anymore. It made him feel conflicted and confused and downright rotten. Especially when any realization of that pride made the side that hated himself hate more.

It didn't make any sense.

And he wasn't sure it was something he could tell her. Saying something like that he felt that privately sounded like an awful excuse. He would have to explain why he couldn't voice those feelings properly. Or why he hadn't before. And he couldn't find the words to explain that, because he didn't really know.

Any time he tried to voice it, it always came out seeming insincere. It was troubling.

He opened his mouth to try to explain, but he couldn't get the words. It never sounded right.

But he couldn't leave her answer-less. He needed to say something. And it wasn't as if the truth of his answer was the bad one. It was just the explanation that he dreaded.

So he said the single word answer, "Yes."

And the rest wouldn't follow it out of his mouth.

---

The government of Japan has issued several formal apologies, most, if not all of which are considered either insufficient or insincere. They tend to prefer to ignore, deny, or justify.

The people have a much bigger tendency to know that what their country did during that time was wrong. Although, I don't think it's as hot of an issue as it used to be.

But...it's stuff like...it's illegal to disrespect foreign flags in Japan, but the Japanese flag...you can burn it there without getting arrested.

This odd disparity between these sorts of things.

I don't know if I'm explaining it well.

Yeosin watched his reaction carefully, a slight frown marring her features as the younger boy choked on his tea. Conflicting emotions flitted through his eyes. A thin sheen of self-loathing. A flicker of regret. A burst of pride. Each one was struggling to reach the surface before they were stomped out by a single word: "Yes."

Nothing more, nothing less. Just one simple "yes" that held the weight of an apology but lacked the sincerity that she needed to make peace with the boy before her. A small part of her, the part that still saw the young boy he had been long before the war, knew that deep down, he regretted his action and suffered because of it.

She sighed to herself. It wasn't as though she could say the scars had faded over time. They were still as prominent as the day they were branded into her skin. But really, there wasn't anything she could do about that. And to be honest, it wasn't the physical scars she wanted to heal. True, at this point, it didn't really matter to the politicians whether or not Japan gave a real apology. It was just the principle of the thing for them. For her, though, it was more than that. She needed to know that he was willing to own up to his actions.

Her face was blank, but her inner self was screaming.

Why can't you do it? Why can't you look at me and apologize?

She knew it must be difficult for him. She could tell just by watching the conflicting emotions in his eyes. Eyes that would never really look at her, almost like they were trying to deny what had been done. Out of sight, out of mind.

Look me in the eye and tell me you really mean those words you keep spouting! Do it without someone having to back you into a corner, forcing out halfhearted words.

She knew it was petty to keep clinging like this, but nothing would be fixed like this. Ignoring a burn doesn't stop the pain. It just leaves it to fester, oozing heated misconceptions about the events leading up to offending incident.

"It was the government's fault." "All's fair in war." "We all do things we regret, so it's unreasonable to expect apologies for everything." "It's your fault for being in the way." That's right. Keep on repeating those same lies. Keep on running because if you look back, you might just see the destruction you've left in your wake.

When it came down to it, pride always got in the way. Pride and the belief that you can do no wrong, the belief that the mountains are really just molehills. Yeosin set her tea cup down and looked away. She didn't have the will to fight with him today. Pulling out a real apology would be like trying to move mountains. Instead, she just smiled at the boy before her, sickly sweet and sour at the same time.

"Well, at least you do, but it does no good to stay stuck in the past. I suppose the best thing for us both would be to try and move on," Yeosin nibbled at her food.

Go ahead and struggle through it all. You can try all you want. Just because your feet are moving, because you feel the winds of time rushing past your face, doesn't mean you are getting anywhere.

---

Don't worry about the explanation. You pretty much hit the nail I was hoping you'd aim for. (^-^)v I didn't mean to turn this into an angst-fest, although, that's pretty much been what both our threads have revolved around. I'd agree that, for the most part, it's not really a heated issue anymore, but I personally believe the lack of a sincere apology does create a thin thread of lingering resentment. One of my professors pretty much said it was that one thing that keeps popping up whenever tensions begin to rise between Japan and China/Korea. I think of it as that one ridiculously stupid/inappropriate/disgraceful thing you did that your family/friends never let you forget no matter how much time passes. ^_^;;

Her smile almost made him sick, it was so...fake? Or perhaps just that it wasn't a happy smile. It seemed far too put-on. He understood, though. He supposed he should appreciate her effort, rather than getting an expression like the glares from the man.

He didn't blame her.

But he didn't know how to fix it.

He sighed.

He might have to do something that he loathed. Speak before thinking too much about it. Because if he thought too much about how she would react, or what the words meant about him, or implications, he would keep quiet.

Maybe speaking would make things worse. Maybe his reasons were petty and shallow and became more petty and shallow every minute he kept it inside. But it had been years. There was nothing for it. No appropriate excuse. Which only made it harder to say.

The other night flashed through his mind again, and he temporarily felt heat on his neck, where her nails had dug into him.

"I'm doing it again aren't I?" he started, trying not to think to hard on his words, or they would never come out. "I'm trying to think like I've become a completely different person again. Like I've learned nothing from yesterday. I should be ashamed of even just that, Yeosin-san. The truth is..."

He stalled, his mind screaming in protest already. Afraid of what she would think of the words. Afraid of what he was saying about himself. Afraid of what the truth of the words said about him.

"The truth is," he spoke again, "is that...to truly apologize for everything that was done...to own up to it...is like...admitting that I am...I am...I am a..." he got stuck for a bit, "...a horrible person. Because those actions were deplorable. And I am afraid of knowing I am capable of those things. And if I were to apologize, it should have been a long time ago. The fact that so many years are in between has made it harder for me to do it, because I feel like I would have need to explain why I didn't do it before. And I have no reasonable excuse.

"I suppose, regardless of how I was in battle, when it comes to other people, I am a coward.

"It is hard for me to throw my pride as a nation away enough to admit such things. So here I have to say I cannot speak as the country of Japan. But for myself, personally, I am truly sorry."

He finished by bowing down low, which also gave him the benefit of not having to look at her. He could feel his nervous sweat, tacky on his skin. His heart pounded, waiting to see if he would regret everything he had just said.

Fragile light. Warm heat. Fading red against ashen black. Embers of a dying fire are still hot to the touch. They may not dance with as much pomp as open flame, but neither are they cold and lifeless.

Yeosin sat quietly, watching the boy before her struggle with his words. Somewhere in that halting, self-depreciating rambling Yeosin felt the dull warmth of sincerity. And for now, it was enough.

“There are those who would argue that the passage of time makes life easier. You grow older, hopefully wiser. You learn to appreciate the smaller gifts in your life. The answers come on swift wings while anger is slow to ignite. But time also breeds bitterness, hurt, and unease. Uncertainty runs amok and misunderstandings rampant.”

Yeosin paused for a moment, inhaling the sweet scent carried in the breeze rustling through the courtyard trees. Her mind wandered off to a time after the split of her country.

A younger Nambu stood next to her, admiring the view.

“Would it be strange, I wonder, to send a letter to my brother?” he asked quietly.

“What do you mean, Nambu? He is your brother and your friend. Why would it be strange?”

“Yeosin-nim, so much time has passed. I have not talked to my brother since the division of the country. Would it not seem strange to contact him after so long? I have no reason to write to him now, just as I have no excuse for not writing him sooner. And while he may be my brother, he is also my enemy,” Nambu wore a soft frown.

“Why is a reason or excuse necessary? You are family. Such things are not needed. Indeed, that is the beauty of family. And though your interests currently lie in different places, it does not mean that you, as people, are enemies. If there is one thing I have learned in my years as a country, it is that you must learn to separate yourself, sometimes, from your nation…”

“…All that your nation is, all that your people are, do not make you who you are,” Yeosin whispered, smiling. Because while the nation may rage, the country may harbor no feelings of anger. And while the people may rejoice in the defeat and misery of others, the country may secretly cry.

Yeosin looked at Kiku, still bowing low.

“Honda Kiku, drink your tea before it becomes cold. It is a horrible thing to do, to waste tea by letting it grow cold. Although the action itself might be horrible and although said action might hurt others or mangle a way of life or completely uproot traditions, it does not mean the person is, by association, horrible as well.”

Yes, the years may pass one by one and wisdom may continue to gather until her mind overflowed, but even the deepest wellspring of wisdom and the longest passage of time would not be able to make that analogy any less horrible. Letting tea cool mangles ways of life, and though you are responsible, you aren’t at fault!

Yeosin scowled embarrassedly into her own teacup, purposefully ignoring her advisor as he buried his face in his palm.

Kiku took in her words. He could have cried, but no in a negative way this time. The water welling up was of gratitude and amazement.

He picked up his tea and sipped some, thinking well on her words before speaking. "Your words are wise, Yeosin-san. They have been many times in the past as well. I was unwise not to listen to them for many years."

He sipped some more, and breathed in the tea's scent.

His mistakes had cost him a dear family member. His inability to act morally responsibly for a period of time tore a rent between them - two people that actually had much in common.

And it was very much his fault.

A different aspect of him, maybe, but he had created it, and it was still him.

He closed his eyes as he sipped again, dark visions dancing across his eyes. Fire and blood and screams.

He reopened them.

Was it really possible to make peace with that? Could they look in each other's eyes without someone flinching? Could they talk without incident? Even laugh together?

He didn't know.

But he knew it wasn't up to him. He wasn't the one hurt. It would only be what she was willing. In whatever time she decided.

---

Sorry this is so so so incredibly late! I hope you are still around! ;u;

"Wisdom is only gained through learning, but it is difficult to differentiate between lessons that need to be learned and those that are better off discarded."

Yeosin watched the young man carefully. The sharp, tart scent of hibiscus and ginger wafting in the breeze. It was her favorite tea, brewing a deep, beet red.

When his eyes opened, she could only guess what he was thinking. She was serious when she told him before that they could never go back to the way things were. They can never unsee what has been seen. Maybe the nightmares would stop, but the blood, the screams, the burning fire would never fade from memory. But perhaps that was for the best.

They were both at fault. There were many other ways they could have handled the situations presented to them, but they had long since made their decisions. Those actions could never be taken back. But then, they are who they are today because of the actions of yesterday.

"Honda Kiku, if you had the opportunity, would you choose to forget the events of the past for peace of mind today?"

---

Sorry for the lateness of this reply and its short length! OTL

Kiku was silent for sometime, thinking seriously about her question. The idea was tempting in a way. To forget and lift that terrible burden. The inner self-loathing.

But he had somewhat had a taste of forgetting. It was buried rather than forgotten, but either way, it hadn't helped him. Complete forgetting would be...well, there were dangers to forgetting lessons learned.

He took a deep breath.

"No," he answered her. "Sealing my heart away before only let the void grow. But even if that weren't to happen. It is remembering that time that makes me so disgusted by such war, and desire peace above all. Before that...other than when I isolated myself, I was often stricken by war. Mostly internally. Even though we look back with honor at it now, my earlier days were covered in bloodshed. That period that I would wish to forget...if I wouldn't remember it, how could I promise myself that I would never again seek such a fight? I is better I have the burden of my memories, so it may not happen again."

Even if things would never be the same. Even if he now had only two friends in all of East Asia.

The potential price of forgetting was too much.

---

Quite alright! Glad you are still here.

Yeosin smiled softly as she listened to his answer. It was true that many nations, despite disliking war, still found themselves entangled in bloodshed. Her heart warmed a little knowing that he now strove for peace. But more than anything, she was comforted by his choice to keep his memories, painful as they were. She paused, taking a good look at Kiku, and her eyes widened in surprise. The little boy was gone.

"You have grown so much.”

She was not the only victim in the war. There he was trying, in his own way, to heal his wounds and move one. Here she’s been, ripping hers wide open time and again. He sat across from her, courageously looking her in the eyes. She stared back, eyes glazed and unseeing. He honestly opened his heart up and confided in her his true feelings. She hid hers behind pretty words and false wisdom. And in that moment, she realized she was no more mature than she was fifty years ago.

It was maddening that she could live for so long and still be so silly. Because, when she really thought about it, that’s exactly what she was: unabashedly silly. She threw tantrums like a person possessed. She threw her entire court into chaos at the drop of a pin, but with the help of her advisor, she would somehow reign it all back in. And the entire time, she could only think of herself and her suffering. No one understood her feelings. How could they, when she was the one who suffered them? Moreover, how could they even think of suggesting reconciliation with that boy? They told her he, too, had suffered, and she laughed in their faces. His suffering was nothing in comparison to hers, she had screamed.

“What a fool,” she mumbled to herself.

She had been trying so hard. She wanted him to apologize because she truly believed she had suffered more than he, and she wanted him to suffer too. She sat here preaching to him like some wise elder, when it was she who had a lesson to learn. It never should have been a contest. After all, who wins in the end? To be told that you have suffered the most, to win a game people can only ever really lose, doesn’t make anything better. It shouldn’t, honestly.

Yeosin shook her head, as if waking from a long slumber. A soft laugh escaped her lips, low and heartbroken. Tears began to fall from disbelieving eyes as the events of the past finally began to sink in.

She was so stupid.

---

Somehow, two days turned into a week. O_O;; Sorry for being so late. Also, I'm sorry if this post totally ruins the feelings of the story. I was going somewhere with this whole Kiku/Yeosin talk in the garden thing, but I've since lost track of where that place is. Now I'm just rambling like a sleep deprived lunatic, so if you have any suggestions/a direction for the thread, do let me know!

---

I tried to write an epilogue, but it feels strange to write one without Kiku's input. I dunno if anyone even visits this forum anymore, but for those who do and have put up with the ramblings of my oft sleep deprived mind, thanks for reading! And to Kiku--should you ever visit the forum and read this--thanks for RPing with me! It's unfortunate this forum seems to have become relatively inactive.